Silencing the Inner Struggle: A Gangster’s Journey to Transition and Redemption

Sigh! Well, I guess the gangster is back, FAM. Ahhh, but the kid also—with the kid having his tantrums and the gangster screaming his war cry, causing destruction, this is soooo damn hard to let go, FAM. Can you just throw a kid in a candy store and ask him not to eat candy? The same for a gangster—you can’t just drop him off in a rival’s neighborhood because he’s going to shoot somebody, FAM. Real talk, so it’s hard, FAM. Like seriously hard, it’s ingrained in you. Your heart breathes darkness; the gangster inside you tells you, “Na, FAM, move in silence. That nigga police, FAM.” You hear a tiny voice in your head that says, “FAM, shoot that hoe before he shoots you. We gotta get this money, FAM.” And it’s even worse on females because you just want to fuck and not care about her or her feelings. It’s these damn ways that stick and get stuck, that you want to yell out, “Leave me alone!” Yet here you are, a bad guy, the villain which actually has a good heart, trying to do better. It’s hard, FAM. Believe me, I’m that guy and I struggle, FAM. Real talk.

Lucky me, I have a really good female that helps me think when I’m like, “You know what, fuck you and your rules.” Damn, is this the type of thoughts a normal person should have? Nah, it’s the gangster inside me that says, “Fuck you, FAM,” that screams out, “I’m a gangster.” Well, reality is gangsters are cool but die on the streets, and their lifespan is short. Reality is gangsters live but die in prison, and the gangster is the one I’m at war with. A female that is dear to me knows the good guy—the one that has a soft spot for children, that smiles more and actually laughs, the guy that gets happy to learn something when he’s studying, the passionate tattoo artist that loves creating art on the skin for people, the guy that is respectful towards women. This is the guy that is a better man, and only a few people know this guy, which I work hard to keep in line.

I fight myself every day, I go to war with this gangster every day. At times, he wins, and I hate that I lose to myself because this gangster is dark, this gangster is a monster, and this guy does not care and enjoys the darkness. No lie, if you would have lived this life, you would understand that this life makes you that way, FAM, because if you don’t, then you won’t make it, and you have to survive the streets/rivals/treachery/death. So, I’m sitting here fighting myself again, screaming out again, yelling, “I am better than this,” and this is the struggle of the transition of a gangster at heart that has a gun held to his heart, that has his heart torn to pieces by a monster, only struggling to put those pieces back together, yet failing. But a female helps me, touches me, and this woman gives me strength. You know it is because of her that I’m better. So when all fails, I see her face, and I know I can see better. So I know, regardless of my struggles and screams of defiance of a gangster, I know that I can be a better man and transition into a better person… no more screams, silence, but peace and love.